What to consider if your partner can not stop using pornography

This article is for people who are in an intimate relationship with someone who cannot stop using pornography and they are seeing an IFS therapist or considering it.

Having a partner caught up in addiction is painful, frustrating and even exhausting.  You may feel like the carpet has been ripped out from under you and your whole life has become unstable and uncertain.  It can be hard to know what to do.  Should I say stay or leave?  Should I send my partner to sleep in the basement?  What if they do not get better?

In this article I am here to outline what some of your options are and what it would look like for your partner to see myself or a similar trauma informed IFS therapist.

The first thing to consider is getting your own therapist.  There are people specifically training in supporting the partners of those caught in sex addiction.  They are trained by the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists.  A long awkward name I know, in our world we just call them APSATs.  You will notice that they have the word “trauma” in the name because partners of sex addicts can be traumatized by the experience, especially if the deception involved was deep and pervasive.  We call it betrayal trauma.

If you find your levels of anxiety are consistently high, you feel hyper-vigilant and unsafe, you may well have been traumatized.  If you suspect this is the case, I recommend finding a therapist to support you through this.  If you have a friend, you can trust to support you that will help as well.   There are a number of things people can do to help regulate their emotions, like certain breathing techniques (e.g.  Box-breathing, progressive relaxation, mindfulness meditation and yoga).  Any kind of mindful work that can keep your mind focused enough on the task to give you a break.  One practice that appeared old-fashioned years ago is making a comeback: knitting / crocheting.

What should your partner do?  

Twelve step groups are an economical option because they are free and relatively easy to access.  SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) is the most appropriate 12 step group for porn users.  Since the Covid era many meetings have gone online.  In the realm of alcohol addiction, AA is about as effective as conventional therapy.  One of those is a lot cheaper.  It is important to know that therapists’ offices are filled with people of people who get tired or frustrated with 12 step groups, and similarly 12 step groups are filled with people who have frustrations with therapists.  I believe the best thinking on addiction has evolved in the last few decades.  Regardless, these groups and meetings can bring essential elements that help people recover.

There are therapists trained in a specific approach to sex addiction.  They are Certified Sex Addiction Therapists.  They follow Patrick Carne’s 30-task model of recovery which some find helpful and some do not.  A book often used in this process is “Facing the Shadow.”  Much like there are different approaches to treating trauma, there are different approaches for treating addiction.

Why consider a trauma centered approach?  

The world of therapy and addiction treatment is evolving.  I believe some of the best thinking on addiction these days comes from Gabor Mate and Johan Hari.  Gabor says, “We don’t ask why the addiction but why the pain.”  Johan gave us “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety; the opposite of addiction is connection.”  Those thoughts are not mutually exclusive because trauma results in disconnection, and disconnection results in trauma.   We need relational connection, but also connection to meaning and purpose.

Traditional addiction treatment, including expensive options like inpatient treatment programs, are not as successful as we would like them to be.  Trauma impacts us in a way that overwhelms our capacity for self-control.  A few months of sobriety or even several months of education and self-regulation exercises do not address this.  Inevitably when life gets tough the compulsive cycle is kicked back in to gear leaving people with more disappointment and shame.

If we do not treat the underlying trauma, there will always be a compelling to need to cope with pain.  While many successfully switch to less harmful ways of coping, recovery is much more durable and long-lasting if the underlying pain is addressed.  A common problem in addiction recovery is the deep shame over the addiction and often from the past trauma that has been fueling the addiction.  This results in dishonesty and a lack of transparency.  This is present inside the person struggling with addiction as well in their relationships.  If the underlying shame is not addressed, it makes the vulnerability of the recovery process deeply uncomfortable and a relapse much more likely.

What is trauma?  

Trauma refers to the emotional impact of living through a distressing event. What counts as distressing may vary from person to person, depending on how they cope with it.

Some of the most traumatic events are those that happen in early childhood, such as being abused, neglected or a lack of nurture. These experiences can have lasting effects on one’s well-being.   We develop patterns and reactions that are geared to protect being traumatized again, which can cause anxiety, fear and panic attacks.  We come to hold a substantial amount of shame and negative beliefs about ourselves which cause distress, hopelessness and emotional pain.  We find ways to cope with that pain, some of which are helpful, some which are relatively benign, and some like substances, pornography or sex which have negative consequences.

Given the nature of the world, we all bear some emotional scars even if they are very small.  For most of us we can have a drink, splurge on ice cream or go to the casino and walk away.  There is no compulsion to return, and the activities remain recreation.  For others, that drink or that activity provides relief from a deep pain or longing.  That relief enhances supercharges that experience and can create a longing for more relief.  Because the activity can be a normal part of life, one can ramp up the frequency and intensity before anyone, including the person, notices that there is a problem.  As the addiction grows, there are physiological changes in the brain and its ability to function with an overwhelming amount of dopamine.  This further entrenches the addiction.

Each type of compulsive activity provides a different kind of relief.  Porn provides people with a way to feel a moment of connection that is, at least in that moment, free of any possible rejection or judgment.  It is important to remember that feeling disconnected or lonely can happen to people who have people who love them with sincerity.  When people go through traumatic experiences, it can shape how they think and feel about themselves.  Especially in situations where someone goes through abandonment, betrayal, neglect or abuse, it is hard to escape feelings of shame.  Along with that shame can come a guardedness, an unwillingness to be truly known, seen or vulnerable.  How come?  Because deep down they believe that they are so flawed that if anyone got to know them truly, they would be judged or rejected.  This makes it harder to accept love at face value and it makes it difficult for them to ask for the things they need to feel loved.

When living life in a mask, people come to believe the love they recieve is for the person they are pretending to be, not the person they are.

What does treatment for a compulsion or addiction look like with IFS?  

IFS is a healing approach.  It is guided by compassion and curiosity, which many people find gentle and affirming.  This makes it much more tolerable for people weighed down by shame.

As an IFS therapist, I see addiction as a process.  Trauma causes us to develop functions and reactions.  One function is to hold the pain and push it away so that we can function.  Inevitably something happens to activate that pain.  In order to alleviate or distract from that pain, we turn to something like porn, alcohol, food or gambling.  In the aftermath there is often shame and regret.

With IFS we see each stage in this repetitive cycle being pushed forward by a different part of the psyche.  The key is understanding this cycle and bringing curiosity and compassion to each part.  Our goal is to heal the trauma and emotional wounds that get triggered which set off the cycle.  By addressing the hurt, we remove the fuel for any form of compulsive or addictive activity.  This stops the shame cycle which perpetuates the addiction.

Why do people use porn?  

Aside from sexual stimulation, it provides relief from pain, trauma and even boredom.  It also causes the brain to release the reward chemical dopamine.  In recent years, brain scans revealed little difference in the brains of people who are addicted to cocaine and those addicted to pornography.  While porn addiction is not recognized in North America’s manual for diagnosing mental illness, the world health organization recognizes “compulsive sexual behavior disorder.”  Pornography is growing in acceptance in society.  Unlike gambling, drugs or alcohol, it is much cheaper and easier to hide.

The brain rewards porn with dopamine.  Today’s pornography is not like grandpa’s magazines.  The ability to watch high-resolution, high-quality video from a seemingly limitless catalog of options can supercharge dopamine release.  Much like Tiktok or Youtube, the porn viewing platforms program them to entice people to stay longer and come more often.

So much so that the brain starts to compensate for it by turning down the sensitivity to dopamine.  This in turn makes other things in life that reward us less meaningful.  Slowly, tolerance is built up and in order to get the same effect, people turn to more intense or more novel forms of pornography which some people find distasteful.  This can result in shame for the porn user and as they begin to question their evolving tastes.   The user does not want to stop because porn becomes one of the few rewarding things in life.  The brain can start to reset itself when it is no longer overwhelmed with dopamine, but it requires several months’ abstinence from porn.

Another factor is our society.  While we have reached unparalleled levels of wealth, technology, and education, we feel disconnected, alone, and unfulfilled.  The rates of depression and anxiety are high, especially among youth.  Many of us reach for things that bring us comfort that are rarely urgently harmful, like shopping, food, video games, social media and streaming media.

Pornography exploits a powerful reward center in the brain, especially for men.  It is like ice cream on a hot day.  The allure of sex is weaved into marketing and the media.   In the old days one had to muster enough courage to bring a magazine or video to a counter.  In today’s era living a compulsion to use porn is like an alcoholic working in a bar.  It is free and it is designed to trap victims.

Is there such thing as a pornography addiction?  

In the realm of addiction treatment, people see very little difference between the signs of addiction that are present with porn use as they are with things like gambling, or video games.  Just as there are 12 step-groups for alcohol use (AA) and drug use (NA) there are groups for sex addiction (SA).   There is an entire association of therapists dedicated to treating sex addiction called Certified Sex Addiction Therapists.

However, there is disagreement in the mental health community.  Pornography or sex addiction is not a recognized mental health disorder in North America.  The WHO recognizes “compulsive sexual behavior disorder” which is distinct from addiction.

In some studies, they have found that compulsive porn users do not have all the same markers present in the brain as other types of addiction.  I believe there is some hesitation to make a natural human function, sex, into a disorder.  While the debate continues, there are people who find their use of pornography impulsive, they cannot stop, and it is causing distress.  Because of this, the addiction recovery community has forged ahead with treatment for compulsive porn users using similar therapy as other recognized addictions.

How come my partner seems to prefer images to the real thing?  

That is a complicated question that has a different answer from individual to individual.  The most common answer to this is that it is impossible to be rejected or judged by an image.  It has very little to do with how attractive someone is.  The disadvantage of being a real person is that you are real.

It is not uncommon for a partner to be too good for the porn user’s comfort.  If someone carries shame, they often do not feel they deserve to be treated well.  They will push away those who are kind, generous, patient in loving.  They have a hard time believing that the love directed at them is real.  They will conclude their loving partner does not know the real them behind all their efforts to appear better.  When their partner eventually discovers how bad they truly are, they will be rejected or abandoned.  The truth is most people aren’t anywhere near bad as they feel, and they often discount the goodness within.  But being known is scary, and being known by someone they feel is better than them is every scarier.

The advantage to an image is that the image does not care who you are inside or out.  There is no chance of rejection, so it feels safer to engage.

Is my partner’s addiction my fault?  

The short answer is no.  It is not uncommon for people to blame themselves first even in situations like this.  Regardless of the roots of someone’s shame and trauma, they still choose how they are going to cope.  There are healthy, unhealthy and really unhealthy ways to cope.  No one should feel responsible for how their partner copes.

Is it possible that the dynamics of your relationship contribute to the pain that fuels addiction?  The honest answer is yes, it is possible, but this needs to be understood in context.  Even the healthiest relationship will have moments of pain, disagreement and disconnect.

It is also important to remember that a soul burdened by shame has diminished capacity for feeling love.  There are some who can be surrounded by love and still feel deeply alone.  In those cases, sharing your love can feel like shining light in a blind man’s eyes.  The problem is not the light.   Sometimes you can be kind, generous and loving and your partner does not feel it.

For healing to take place, there does need to be safety for both you and your partner.  Shaming, stonewalling, manipulation and violence will only make your partner more afraid of you.  With that fear comes even more hesitancy to be honest and transparent.  It also adds to the shame that fuels pornography usage.  You are likely feeling a lot of hurt, frustration, and anger.  I would not blame anyone in your position for letting your emotions bubble over.  You have every right to be angry and to be able to express that anger.  Where it crosses the line is when it communicates to your partner that they are worthless.  If you treat them with contempt, call them names, or insult them, you are ultimately undermining what you want in the relationship.

Why is it so hard for my partner to be honest with me?  

The simplest answer is shame.  Sometimes that shame emerges from the deep past.  If we were shamed in childhood, it is easy to internalize it and carry it with us.  If we suffer abandonment or neglect, our younger brains must make sense of it and the easiest conclusion to come to is that there must be something wrong with us.  So, there is a part that carries that shame, that personal sense of unworthiness.  Even as we develop and grow and become good at things and good for others, that part remains.

Add the shame of the pornography use along with the deception and evasion and it begins to pile on heavy.  When that shame gets so heavy the transparency or disclosure becomes excruciating.  Unless that shame is addressed, getting the whole truth can be very difficult.  Sometimes it comes up in dribs and drabs, and sometimes it doesn’t come at all.

The IFS process seeks to help release the shame making genuine honest communication and possibility.  Engaging in disclosure before attending to underlying shame is often emotionally difficult and incomplete.

Why does an addicted partner lie?  Most often it is because they believe they will be rejected and abandoned if they do.  Which for many is the trauma that led them to the addictive process in the first place.

After finding out about my partner’s pornography use I have anxiety, find it difficult to trust and often feel alert.  

When people experience a significant betrayal, especially if extended deception and evasion is part of it, it can upset your whole world.  This can cause betrayal trauma.  Most people imagine abuse or accidents when they think of trauma, but betrayal can do it too.  After suffering the betrayal wound, you may become hyper-vigilant looking for any sign of the next possible betrayal.

In order to come to a place of safety, your partner has to agree to every reasonable accommodation that will make you feel safer.  This might be tracking software on all phones, computers and tablets.  This tracking your partners whereabouts using phone tracking.  This might mean having access to your partner’s phone.  It is not uncommon for your partner to be irritated by these accommodations, but these things are necessary.  You cannot rebuild your relationship without trust and trust cannot even begin to come back unless there is safety.

Should I leave them?  

That is a difficult and nuanced question.  I would recommend talking this through with your own trusted support’s or therapist.  It is important to remember that you do not have to make that decision now.  Give yourself the time to sort this out.

One thing to keep in mind is the likelihood of relapse.  Any kind of addiction is difficult to overcome, even when people are sincerely trying to overcome it.  I would look for signs that your partner is genuinely engaged in a recovery process.

Often people can stop using for a while using their will and the fear of hurting you and others to motivate them.  Sometimes people can successfully switch their coping mechanism, but that often occurs more with substances.  Start using cannabis to keep from drinking, for example.

But willpower is rarely sufficient to result in long term change.  We can lock away the desire to use porn, but that only works until life overwhelms again.  That is when that deep inner hurt is triggered again.  Until that hurt is healed and the shame released, the desire to use will always be there.

An important thing to consider is whether your partner is genuinely engaged in a process that will bring healing so recovery will be durable.  How will you know they are healing?  Their attitudes about themselves, you, and their reactions will shift.  A person progressing to healing will be more transparent, secure, humble, compassionate and even curious.  Not all shifts look the same in people, and some might grow in compassion and still lack confidence.

Closing thoughts  

There is hope amidst the turmoil and pain.  If your partner does the deep inner work of healing, they will be in a better place.  Trauma healing does more than help free people from addiction.  it helps with anxiety, depression, defensiveness and insecurity.  It frees people to love and be loved with less hesitation.   They are no longer burdened by shame and fear, which makes them better partners and parents.